Learning to Live Again Is Killin’ Me~

I’m sure y’all are as sick of hearing from my ass as I am listening to myself in my head but… this is part of my therapy and it is what I will continue to do… BUT, I do think you’ll find this blog in a whole different perspective than my others, my others started when I was 2 years sober and had stayed sober… This one started on Day 11 of sobriety, today. All things have changed.

As you can imagine, I had advise, help, support, plans put into motion, everything you can think of when I decided to let my guard down and forget what a beast this disease is and that I had beat it.. you don’t beat it, EVER, you fight it every fucking day and second of your life. I had awoken the BEAST with one beer without the ability to really see anything clearly after that.. that gave my dark passenger just what he needed and he ran with it.. never fuel the fire when you know you can’t put it out. In sobriety, or alcoholism/addiction, things sometimes seem kind of backwards.. like we react instead of act, try to contain a mess we’ve made instead of actually cleaning it up. Those of us with any length of sobriety (we know better but.. ) we think we can get ourselves cleaned up again with a quick fix, I mean we’ve been sober for this many years.. this set back.. which is a RELAPSE anyway you want to see it, a RELAPSE, should be easy.. I know stuff, right? I know AA like I know the lyrics to my favorite songs, I have the tools to stay sober (or get sober again) because I’ve worn them around my waist for years.. I got this. Well.. NO.. every single thing that I’ve worked so hard for and helped countless people get through went straight in that Demons hands when i took that first drink. As one of my friends said.. we are like men who have lost their legs, we never grow new ones. It’s true.. you will never be the same.. that part is gone.

There was a lot of advise given and support, some I wanted, some I didn’t, some was legit, some was not but it’s what we do .. we are a family and we will go to any length to help another alcoholic. That’s where Page 19 of the AA BIG BOOK comes in: Of necessity there will have to be discussion of matters medical, psychiatric, social, and religious. We are aware that these matters are, from their very nature, controversial. Nothing would please us so much as to write a book which would contain no basis for contention or argument. We shall do our utmost to achieve that ideal. Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people’s shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. In my meeting tonight, which i sobbed the entire time knowing I was in there on my 11th day of sobriety… one of the speakers made perfect sense, some can just use AA and their tools… some can get everything they need from their sponsor, some need medical or psychiatric help from DR’s, therapist, etc. You go to who you know can solve that problem for you.. just as some recovering addicts use suboxone to curve their opioid dependence, some use it for a short amount of time to maintain sobriety, some take it the rest of their lives to maintain their sobriety, it’s each individuals needs. you don’t go to a mechanic and expect to get treated for depression, you don’t go to a gynecologist and expect to get some religion clarity, you go to who you need, each person as an individual to help with each part of their addiction. Nothing would please us so much as to write a book which would contain no basis for contention or argument. We shall do our utmost to achieve that ideal. I have anxiety and ADHD like no other, my mother should have named me SPONTANEOUS or at least be my middle name.. when I see opportunities that most people aren’t paying attention to or miss.. because I am always observing everything… I act on those chances, anything is possible in my mind when i see a “lucky” moment. My mind at times is literally like a vicious tornado that never stops, therefore .. I go to the storm chaser that tracks these storms to see how they pick up so much speed they can take down a damn state within minutes.. and do what I need to do to calm them before they pick up that much speed. It really is exhausting at times and alcohol always calmed it, a quick fix, but the bartender wasn’t treating my ADHD or my anxiety, he was feeding my beast… Everyone has bad days. But when you’ve got attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD), it sometimes feels like the universe has conspired against you and no amount of effort or positive thinking will make a difference. Here’s the thing: Negative thinking just leads to lower self-esteem, which leads to bad choices and even worse reactions…

I knew moving back to Texas was going to have it’s challenges but I had no idea of the destruction that was ahead of me, the confusion, the wanting to be it all.. the wanting to be what I was before, who I use to be before my drinking got out of hand. The bossy, plan making, do what I say for the Holiday’s and run everything by me because I’m MOM days! The Mom and the friend that could drink and have a good time. BUT the reality of it is.. you can’t be the life of the party, partying with your kids, drinking or not, it’s still partying … and the SOBRIETY BEAST that other’s call upon for help… NO POSSIBLE WAY TO BE BOTH.. Sometimes it sucks (well a lot of the time) to be different than others, especially here in Texas, I had a different foundation in Kentucky but it’s just the way it is.. I am not normal. BOUNDARIES… I had none when i stepped back on Texas soil, I set foot back here to make up for lost time and there were zero boundaries put in place. Time is gone, things happen, you can’t get that time back but you can damn sure make the future better and that’s where I went blind for a bit… I want to be the parent my kids can count on, the grandmother that my kids trust with their kids alone, the one that might have more energy than a truck load of RED BULL but can be depended on. I wanted that relationship and that life plan that I thought I was walking into that didn’t happen, not even close, boundaries was never even in that vocabulary and that’s my own doing. I want to be the rock of my family again, it’s why I got sober, it’s why I insisted on coming back home.. I just had no idea it was going to require so much damn work.

It is very easy to see the allure of alcohol to dull the pain and the temptation to punish myself for something that is not my fault. But the sobering truth is that if I step onto the path of self-destruction, I know I will never come back.” Somehow with the grace of GOD, I stopped myself before I died, when you hear this thing comes back quicker than you can pop a top on a beer can, it can and 1000 times harder, I’ve never felt the pain of a detox like I did this time.. I’ve never been so physically sick and unable to produce a simple daily function as I did this time.. there won’t be a next time after experiencing how devastating this was to me physically, mentally, medically.. all of it so fast.. like that vicious tornado, deadly and devastating within seconds it’s seems. THIS DEMON is strong and it will destroy everything in it’s path with a vengeance and a smile. This “slip”… RELAPSE cost me my job, my sanity, the trust of my family, a hospital stay, heartbreak and STARTING OVER AGAIN… did I mention 11 days sober, i can’t even let that sink in but 6 months from now I will either have 6 months of excuses or six months of progress.. the choice is mine but I wouldn’t bet against me! Sometimes I wondered what the hell was wrong with me.. it’s like I’m playing Russian roulette, seeing just how deep I can go into the world of self destruction when I let insanity into my life.

‘Well, love is also insanity. It is the taking over of a rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can’t even think straight.” … again, vicious tornado.

Guilt is really the reverse side of the coin of pride. Guilt aims at self-destruction, and pride aims at the destruction of others and let me tell you, nothing is harder to pray away than guilt… nothing, but you do or you will die. I’ve always turned my anger inwards towards self-destruction when there’s guilt involved and I did that because I thought this Texas thing was gonna be easy… The real repentance means not just saying “Sorry” it requires change as well. And I will be the one that decides those changes and I’m not trying to step on any toes here in Texas but until you have lived it… don’t give me your damn advise or your opinion or perspective as to what I have done to my kids or my family or how to live my life day to day… take a look at your self and as soon as your done gossiping about me, pray for me so I can be as perfect as you!!! And just know.. my conversations are sincere and for my appreciation for help but definitely not asking for any kind of permission or approval on my next moves.. they are simply what they are! A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant! Jot that down. NAMASTE~ I’m sorry to those that I hurt while I was hurting… Me shutting down is far worse than me blowing up or holding all of this in and that’s why this is what I do.. this is my therapy, I never really do anything in halves, I can’t get away with it, it’s totally outrageous, I go the whole hog, I make sure it’s so completely crazy it’s unbelievable.. this computer is my therapist, but after just typing that, I realize that I’m going to need to see a real one a lot sooner than I had planned.. like I said.. you don’t go to a gynecologist asking for some religion clarity.. but this computer will have to do for tonight.

In the middle of the pain you didn’t cause, the change you didn’t want or the the reality you didn’t know was coming… your life can still be beautiful.

I wouldn’t be standing if not for my people, they carried me when I could not walk, they covered me in love, they breathed life back into me, I wouldn’t have made it through without y’all. I will forever be grateful for y’all loving me through this even when I wasn’t very receptive or nice ~ Everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

Here’s a little food for thought…. But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?? Best quote hands down… it changes how you look at life and religion when you accept what is being said.

Sometimes I think the devil has got me by the sleeve so don’t forget to pray for me ~ 11 days and counting!!

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