Finally on Texas Turf for good… so many changes going on and many many firsts and lasts and new journeys .. new relationships, finding my place in the relationships I have with my family, establishing the “parent” roll again and all of this has really made me reflect on how much recovery has made me a better person and a forgiver.. of myself and others. I’ve learned through numerous rehab stays, therapy and those 12 steps that none of these intrusive thoughts of blame were true .. numbing out doesn’t help with the pain.. it intensifies it until it suffocates you!! No one blames me personally and I had to learn not to blame myself, not an easy task and it sure can creep back in if i let it faster than an angry girlfriend can send 15 text messages and still have more to say. Being judged by your family messes with your head, a lot. If I had been successful at drinking myself to death, which wasn’t far, I would never have this chance to have peace with my family and the ones I love again and I wouldn’t be able to see even the ones I love already in heaven, I would have never made it to heaven, I would be stuck in a purgatory of my own HELL. The guilt, shame and the blame would have kept me from being with my family and the things I’ve already got to experience with them since I’ve been home and most importantly would have never let my kids and family have any peace, they would have been the ones living everyday without a mom, stepmom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. For 5 long years I didn’t let myself or my family have any peace. Seeing someone you love turn into someone you don’t know is in explainable . I was in complete denial of reality and didn’t really care.. I mean my brain kind of knew but my heart was unable to grasp the magnitude of it because I wouldn’t allow it to. Denial.. Pain.. Self-Blame, I refused to accept any of it at that point. I continued to tarnish every single thing that I had been known for and that person that I was to everyone else, those great things you’ve done all of your life tarnish quickly when HELL takes over and I unknowingly or unwilling to accept, was washing away all of those titles I had to all the people I love. I kept using their current feelings of me and my own self disappointment as an excuse to keep drinking. Reflecting back on just the small amount of time I’ve been back in Texas I do find peace for my family and for myself totally in the form of acceptance, forgiveness and reality.
STEP 9: Made direct amends to people wherever possible unless to do so would injure them or others.
Spiritual Principle Behind STEP 9: FREEDOM
I can’t say this enough but I have experienced it first hand more times than I can count and still don’t always feel worthy but… There’s no apology like changed behavior and with that people can be so forgiving so if you think you have burned a bridge and you’ve done what you have to personally to change and never do those things again, reach out and don’t let the fear of shame stop you, you just may end up with that loved one and a friend again that will be truly 100% in your corner and help you stay strong and grow. At the end of the day peace and forgiveness in our self helps them do the same for us. I’m forever grateful! The ones that you let back in your life that just want to see you fail or are intimidated by your strength and independence and the demand for respect regardless will shine through quicker than an Alabama girl running from her brothers! Fact is some people are never going to clap for you.. WIN ANYWAY!~ Only the strong survive these days and if that demon didn’t kill me, someone who is not sincere sure won’t.
And all of this comes with…… ACCEPTANCE.. THE BRUTAL HONESTY YOU MUST HAVE WITH YOURSELF and others. Tell a lie once and all your truths will become questionable!~ Jot that down.
Nothing about my journey has been a secret, it’s been excruciating honesty and put out here in more ways than some even care to know and after getting to spend time with family and the kids and their friends that grew up in our house with the boys and Sheldon a few weeks ago, and everyone of them having at least one word of encouragement or memory to share with me helps me be able to fight off that demon that sneaks back in bringing me guilt and shame and blame … the ones i love are at peace now and that is because of forgiveness.. forgiving myself (sometimes over and over) forgiving others and recognizing how important that is to obtain peace and with peace comes FREEDOM. Don’t be confused, my alcoholic tendencies did sneak back in.. my first instinct was to come home and jump right back into the old mom mode… be the one they needed to call and count on for everything.. to offer myself 100% for any and everything they needed (or I needed) I was at… always willing.. never say no! Well… life happened and my way of thinking was not healthy or inclusive to me moving forward with my own wants and needs in life, I regrouped!
Accepting this and where I am and the cards I was dealt, is the only reason I have been able to come this far and be honest about everything that I just said above. That Mountain was a WHOLE biiittccchhh to move but it sure gave me the strength I never ever gave myself credit for. The transition from Kentucky to Texas was and still is challenging. If you run across me, see me or talk to me, you would never know, sometimes I pretend because I don’t want others to know how much it hurts, but that’s the thing about us alcoholics/addicts… the not normal ones.. we fight hard daily inside to not make normal people around us feel uncomfortable or let it define us so we simply keep fighting that demon in our head when we get off track. (Not relapsing, just simply off track.) Routine and being settled and stopping and taking care of yourself daily is key in recovery, putting your recovery and yourself first is key, that’s not always easy around the normal and it’s definitely not easy for me because I want the people I love and that are around me to be OK and I forget about myself in the midst of that at times. I’ve said this many times and I’ve heard it even more times.. I wish everyone could work some kind of program, even the normal.. just to see life different and be grateful for the little small things that I never ever realized before this beast took over my life, nor did I care. I truly believe that after getting through what I have from where I was 4 years ago is a miracle and also a huge blessing and eye opening reality to life in general. These days.. If I say something, I mean it whole hardheartedly, If I don’t say it, it wasn’t in my heart or on my mind at the time and usually for a reason. God and everyone around me and ones who know me are aware of the fact that I am never at a loss for words, opinions, expressing my feelings or asking questions, no matter what the subject or outcome may be, but I also listen. That was something I never cared to do before, being the best person I can be never entered my mind years ago, I just wanted what I wanted… With a blink of an eye, it can all vanish. Be grateful always.
Getting here to Texas right up in the middle of the holidays was to say at the least, crazy & well crazy but we made it and the Holidays didn’t die because of it and neither did we, I probably secretly wanted to at times but never the less once again I was blessed to have a great Christmas with my family and friends. There were so many emotions leaving Kentucky, no regrets, none at all just emotions, it was literally one of the hardest things I’ve done outside of surrendering to this walking hell of a disease I have and moving across the world to get help and I’m still missing what I left behind, it’s a whole life change, once again. I started these blogs to help myself and others, which has become my new passion in life after mine was almost taken. Leaving something that was so passionate to my heart and lit a fire in my soul like no other has been no easy feat. But… life happens and you sometimes have to make decisions that aren’t easy, and coming home was definitely my next chapter and I do not regret the decision I made, I just wish as anyone would that I could have both.
With that being said….. UNSETTLED is the only way I can explain it. I mean seeing me today you would never know that I was once addicted to alcohol, homeless and hopeless (for those of you in the back… I am not currently homeless, I live with Sally (MOM) I just don’t have my own home yet) just wanted to set that straight! 🙂 There’s a huge difference in the homeless I once was but God fixed that and he will continue helping me fix things now if I get out of the way and let him, and that’s just what I am going to do, he hasn’t failed me yet, I am here to write this blog only by his grace and my stubbornness to not be defeated. I have self acceptance now, beauty is the way you hold yourself, the way you treat people, and if you fall off from that, you make amends for it, something I’ve never done until now, I recognize when I have hurt someone or not loved someone correctly and I try to make it right, it’s us not normal people’s new way of life, it is not the normal ones and that’s OK, that’s part of the acceptance, everyone is not me, I am still learning this and coming to terms with it, I can really let it get to me at times because I can actually feel it in my chest and stomach when something really hurts my feelings and I don’t want to be the cause of that to others. I can’t expect in return what I give, I can’t expect a Thank You for everything I do, I can’t expect a compliment back although I give them and mean them, I can’t expect someone to see the little things in life that make my day better when I can feel it going south, these things are either in your soul or not.. and they only we’re allowed in mine once I got sober, after the last dance with that damn devil, and I would gladly take that dance again to be where I am today.. I do know that you can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed and you can literally ruin your own life trying and I refuse to do that ever so I have to ACCEPT things for what they are and remind myself us not normal people don’t have the same outlook as everyone else, I know what I need and must do to fix things and when I can’t, I have to accept that I can’t. I also communicate, communicate, communicate, express, express and god knows I express everything, that’s how I survive and when I can’t, I have to accept that I can ‘t. A relationship can’t improve if you don’t provide your partner/friend/loved one with a safe and open space to express their needs and concerns. If you continue to perceive your partner communicating as an attack, you’re never going to get anywhere. Humble yourself and listen to their needs.. and this is why I will continue to express, express, express. The last thing we can do is blame someone else for the road we are on and that’s what it feels like to others at times when we need to communicate or “talk to damn much” I’ll never apologize for it and I’ll never stop doing it, it keeps me sober.
Before… I was one of those with the attitude of don’t cross oceans for people who wouldn’t cross a puddle for you Nah, do it. Cross oceans, it’s what you give, not gain and this is something I’ve had to accept as well but I do have one written rule to this one.. I won’t accept being disrespected trying to give.. refuse to. I am me.. and I am okay with that. It kinda goes with.. If I am wrong, educate me, don’t belittle me, that’s not an option anymore. Here’s part of that brutal honesty with myself… I do feel at times that I have been through so much bullshit in life that good shit feels like a set up and that’s hard to accept even when you’ve been proven right at times, I have to accept that it is what it is sometimes. I’ve pointed this out many many times… the things I write in this blog are things that just come to mind when I am unsettled, when I’ve let myself finally feel what I need to feel and accept what I must accept. Once you cost me my peace, you gotta go, very simple. The biggest comeback I’ve ever accomplished is making myself happy again and it feels to good to ACCEPT any less and I won’t. The most beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negativity as addicting and hard as it may be, it’s life changing and I have to remember and ACCEPT all of this coming back to my familiar surroundings… those people, places and things that stole my peace before and how to handle it now.. I’ve accepted it or I wouldn’t have returned.
After I express myself to others or in these blogs I do realize that I am too much for some people, those aren’t my people. I actually lose interest pretty quick when I see myself trying harder than someone else .. it’s just how us not normal people are built now, life is too short and time is a damn thief so you better pay attention. If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit!!!
At the end of the day, regardless what was thrown your way … GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND BACK ON YOUR FEET. REMEMBER WHO THE HELL YOU ARE ~
Until next time… NAMASTE’ Bitches! (the yoga definition)