Maybe I’m meant to stay a little broken, a little incomplete and a little imperfect so there’s room for growth. There’s always room for growth even when I’m tired of it. I mean haven’t I proven enough, haven’t I been through enough? I guess not, I guess there needs to be room for someone to pour their love and lessons into something I don’t already know or have experienced? That’s my only logic as to why the struggle is so deep lately. Maybe that’s what it is?? Maybe life isn’t about winning or losing but learning.. learning from experience, love, heartbreak, our families. I’m learned out!!! I want everything figured out.. I’m tired of the uncertainties of the path ahead. I get uncomfortable when I think about how blurry my future is BUT some of the best experiences I’ve had have been outside of my comfort zone. Maybe that’s what I’ve gotten wrong this whole time, maybe I shouldn’t look at life as a journey for betterment but a journey for growth .. but I just don’t know how much more growth I can take before I’m settled again.. I mean whatever the hell that looks like. Maybe that’s when I’ll be able to say that I’m okay and actually feel it too. I don’t feel it .. maybe that’s when I’ll start appreciating life for what it can truly give me.. not just what I give. At some point I was bound to get tired and I’m there. I don’t have many that ask about my days .. ask about my life change I’m about to make that makes me so scared I’m nauseous at times, that says how do you deal with what you hear and see everyday? I just know God put me here to do it and it comes natural and he hasn’t put me anywhere that was able to break me yet. Not even that walking, crawling, screaming, daily living hell so I hope he’s through testing my strength soon. I’m shedding the layers that aren’t good for me. I have to help myself at some point. I don’t always want to be the giver at this point. I’ve paid my dues.. but have I? Will I ever?
And this was all before 8am!! 😂😂
This is how exhausting our minds can be sometimes. I know people ask me how I am, I have great friends and family that support my every move so I’m not sharing this for any recognition or concern other than expressing exactly how our minds work at times, especially when we’re about to make a huge life change, once again living out of a so called comfort zone, it’s a lot! We are a lot but we have gone through a lot to be able to give it away .. to help others. If I haven’t already convinced all of you that i’m a little ”touched” then i sure will after this.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted, like I’ve said before, none of these are planned, when i see something or read something or just having one of those days and need to get it out.. well here i am! My move back home to Texas has me the most scared I’ve been in a really long time, not scared of altering my sobriety but scared of leaving this simple, comfortable, content life here that i hadn’t had for so many years BUT like i said God hasn’t placed me anywhere he didn’t think i could handle yet. I know that as an alcoholic/addict, we can always drum up another good drunk or high.. we defInitely have it in us .. i just know that I don’t have another recovery in me and by knowing that with my whole heart and soul.. that helps me feel safe because I do not want to die.
I’m ready for Texas – I hope Texas is ready for me ❤️