I do.. and I don’t feel like I am supposed to have those days anymore but then I have to remember that I am human… that just because I am in the position to share my story and help people that I am exempt from having those days! Days where you struggle to find your place, days you don’t feel like anything you have to say is going to help anyone, days you don’t want to be the strong one (but my control issues pull me out of it real quick,) All of my previous BLOGs have been filled with past trauma and experiences and on a much more serious note.. I am now into the phase where I want to share the aftermath of all of that, the moving on and not letting addiction/alcoholism define me, doing my best after devastating circumstances. HOPE.. FAITH.. all that stuff but still living with struggles.
I have so many unanswered questions in my head… with an over energized mind and body it’s hard to NOT have questions or to NOT be settled. I am settled very little. I’m rolling into my 4th year of sobriety and I must say this 3rd year has been the very best. The first 2 sucked ass, I’m not going to lie. Yea, I was sober and alive and grateful for ALL THE THINGS but it was hard, hard as hell. Learning to live again, dealing with the reality of your new life, etc. I’m here to tell you.. I’m glad I am past those years and where I am today although I do struggle at times. Again, I have to remind myself, I am human, I do tend to believe at times that I have super powers, until I’m hit with one of THOSE days. I need them at times as odd as it seems.
I am really bad about focusing on what’s next and not realizing what I have right now. I’ve always been that way.. looking for the next thing to do, to have, to prove to myself, go go and go some more. I don’t sit well… never have but It’s needed at times and I have made it a priority, like a once a month priority, let’s be realistic. I’m just not happy sitting much, I hear over and over and over, you have to be okay with sitting with yourself, loving yourself, blah blah. Yes, I know… I am 100% fine with me and sitting with myself, I love myself the most, just ask my friends. Nobody can stop dead in their tracks for a photo opt quicker than I can, nobody is number 1 in their mind more than me and I’m not shy about expressing it. I’ve even expressed to my family that If I were to die during this COVID BS that they better freeze my body and wait til I can have more than a “small crowd” at my funeral. I need the works… this doesn’t phase them because they already know.
We honestly never know the best times of our life until it becomes a memory. I truly believe this, there’s so much taken for granted or treated like just any other day but I’m here to tell you… from someone that has had everything and then losing it all, I see it very clear now. Slow down and enjoy the journey, sure there will be bumps in the road, things that suck, things that suck bad, but it’s the journey, enjoy where you are right now. One day at a time, trying to figure out what is going to happen or where you are going to be 10 years from now is robbing you of the now. Now, I sit here and preach this but I have a very hard time doing this.. but I recognize it and I recognize it because of what I have been through. I never want to say again… HAD I KNOWN those were the best times of my life, I would have slowed down and enjoyed them instead of them becoming a memory. Make the most of each day.. don’t let the past keep you from seeing the good things in your life right now. All the good, bad, ugly, pretty, sad, happy etc. is just part of it.. handle it. Nobody is dealt a perfect hand even though it looks that way at times and with some. Get to your destination enjoying the journey. I have to remind myself of this and I will continue to.
I want to move back to Texas, be with my kids and family, I’m tired of missing out on the little things.. the hanging out by the pool, the dinners, the casual hanging out, the real stuff, my grand kids, my kids, the moments you don’t get back. Not the big parties or the great vacations or the constant events that take place back home (I mean I love those too) but the simple things hit me in the gut way worse than any big party or vacation. I don’t wish being thousands of miles away from your family on anyone, it’s the hardest thing you could imagine but I also can’t imagine not having this experience here in Kentucky, this journey that I’ve been on the past almost 4 years, the people that I call family, my job with whom my coworkers have become family, helping so many people just like me. This is one of those defining moments for me where I have stopped and realized these are also the best moments of my life. Alcoholism has brought me some of the best moments of my life oddly enough. I wouldn’t change these days or the people I have met or the struggles of those first couple of sucky years in sobriety for anything in the world. It has made the new me, It has made me realize and focus and be grateful. I was NONE of those things before.
I woke up this morning a little unsettled, having one of THOSE days at first and then I sat down and thought.. share this, maybe someone else is having the same kind of day, help them turn it around and focus on today. And.. just to clarify.. this 3rd year has been the best but it’s also come with challenges.. but I look at them different now. Dating is still the most humorous, I have so many stories… my bossiness has only grown, my confidence is getting better and better, my health is at it’s best and I will continue to take as many pictures of myself and my dog as I please, and with your dog if I get the chance. I’m still on the fence about my next major move but I am going to take it as it comes and day by day as to what suits ME… as you’ve all seen, I am my biggest fan these days!~ I mean somebody has to be, might as well be me.
If anything out of this impromptu blog… I just hope you enjoy today.. letting it be just that.. TODAY ~