I know it’s been a bit since I’ve blogged… I don’t plan these, any of them, when something comes to mind I just sit down and start typing so that’s why there is no consistency to my timeframe on blogs. I don’t just write to write … my over energized ass would never allow that kind of down time. And I don’t feel like I have one single subject I want to talk about.. I just feel like I need to exhale and get some things out so please bare with me while I take you from one side of my brain to the other in no specific direction. I really feel like once I start I won’t be able to stop… so I understand if you jump off at any given time.
Sometimes I think this 3rd year of sobriety has been the most normal, the life back on track, owning your own things again, being social without being nervous, making life decisions again.. I know this sounds absurd to most people.. normal people, I mean after all that’s what people do everyday but when you’ve literally lost every single thing you’ve had in life and start over as a new person to some extent.. it’s from scratch and it feels good. I’ve never in my life felt more independent and content, everything around me is mine and what I have done… this is a first for me. I lived with my parents and then was married 20 years so I really never had to do anything alone until now.. and it’s almost scary how content I am with very little… Now don’t get me wrong.. I miss my house, the pool, the family and friends that it drew in.. the trucks and the horses and all the thing but I’m also so very okay with this town home.. in not the best part of town but it keeps me entertained, I have several good friends that live here in this complex which makes it the best. But let me tell you.. these people don’t make their kids mind or clean up or act like human beings.. I am def the warden of the complex, I will knock on a door and get your ass outside to pick your toys up and move your bike.. because I’ve already purposely ran over 2 and that didn’t matter.. instead of teaching their kids a lesson by making them pick their shit up.. they buy another one or steal another one or wherever they get them but they keep coming so.. I thought i would take a diff approach with it and ask them to take care of their stuff because there are kids everywhere that have to so just do it.. Jesus. I have literally blocked in vehicles that drive back here and use our dumpster for a dumping ground.. I can hear them in a dead sleep.. and I act as if they are kidnapping one of my children, race out and tell them they need to get their trash out of our dumpster and get out of here… that request has never one time happened but I damn sure keep trying. I take pics of all kinds of things around here and send to Steve the landlord.. aka Guido. He don’t give not even 2 tiny little fucks about what goes on around here except when the guy running around in the parking lot in a trench coat with his hospital bracelet still on walked in another woman’s apartment and sat outside her bathroom… well.. yea it has to take that for Steve to appreciate my surveillance skills seriously. During the winter ice freeze here, my car slid sideways and was stuck for 2 days, you could literally snow ski in our parking lot because of all the snow that was not cleared. Steve got so many pics of that, I think he even blocked me for a while but a few days later he had trucks out here scooping us out. I think that I take the being direct and honest and saying how you feel all the time thing that we are taught in treatment and in recovery to a whole new level. That being respectfully direct doesn’t make me a bitch.. it makes me a good communicator. That’s how I think and I’m sticking to it. I know that you’re probably thinking what does all my complex antics and stalking people have to do with addiction or recovery.. well it does, if I wasn’t in recovery and living a sobriety lifestyle I would never really think about accountability, doing what’s right, helping others in a different method when the first method doesn’t work.. First of all I wouldn’t be living in these town homes if I wasn’t in recovery, I’d be home living my normal life I had before .. but this is where I’m at and I’m going to make it the best I can.. even if that means looking like the crazy town home lady. The neighbors that don’t tend to their kids smoke a bunch of weed, I smell it outside, I smell it through my vents sometimes, they have parties from time to time.. shit gets real around here BUT.. they get up and tend to their lives.. (not their kids, I do that, I’m going to see if I can claim one of them for an extra stimmy check) but they get up and go to work or whatever the hell they do… sadly, they are the normal ones, not me. There was a time that I was embarrassed or should I say.. insecure about my home and my lifestyle, not to everyone but mainly my kids, especially Sheldon. Our kids have always had pretty much whatever they’ve wanted, they are very very blessed and have been their whole lives. I myself set standards and needed and wanted certain things .. i mean how could our kids not, ya know. Well I let that stuff bother me for a long time, I didn’t really want Sheldon to visit here because I was afraid she would judge me, I don’t live like them anymore. (But I myself and okay with that) but I didn’t want my kids to think I wasn’t the same as their dad and their stepmom and their significant others families and everyone they hang out with. Everyone is living large and have these great lifestyles that they are accustom to.. and then that led me back to these kids in this parking lot… they don’t have the best supervision but this is all they know.. this is going to be the story they tell to their kids and grand kids, living in a town home with a ton of little friends and doing whatever the hell they want.. and I can promise you I will be in some of those stories, they will say and there was this one crazy bitch that was obsessed with this parking lot and …. but this is their story, their childhood and their parents aren’t in recovery from a horrible addiction.. this is just their life. it’s humbling. When I was home at Christmas I was very unsettled, I couldn’t get along with Sheldon to save my life, I was nervous about stressing all the kids out and their one million plans that they already had for the holidays because we’re all divorced, some several times but never the less there’s a lot of us and I never want to be that parent that thinks they have to work around me when I come to visit, I want it to be normal and simple and just a visit but it’s just not that way because we’re all shoving every single thing we can into very little time which takes all the fun out of it.
This is where parenting and co-parenting and putting the kids first (no matter how old they are) and still trying to make life easy for them because we are the parents PERIOD comes in and it’s also where my new life of recovery and what my past was like insecurity creeps back in.. I want them to want to see me, not to have to see me, I want them to be their normal and have fun and be relaxed even though its very hard for me to. I want the other parents to work with me and make it easier on the kids but that’s not going to happen. I want to be included like I made sure everyone was included when I became the boys bonus mom, I put every single thing except them and their well being and ease out the window.. I didn’t even consider my feelings when it came to them, I made it work, I made sure I had a relationship with their mom, their grandparents, their other family members and I meshed them all with mine because it was easier on the kids and it was a great amazing thing to see and to make happen for THEM, I didn’t really care about me, and it damn sure wasn’t always easy, sometimes it was excruciating but I did it anyway. And I have to realize and be okay with .. not everyone is the same, just because I did what I did for my family doesn’t mean that others will or should. That’s a huge thing for me.. I have to be reminded Not everyone is ME… deal with it. I think Christmas was a turning point on my whole way of thinking, feeling and moving forward. We use to all go to one house on Christmas: parents, stepparents, new wives, old wives, new husbands and the first husband and my family and their family and that ones grandma.. (you think I’m joking but I’m not) we had a house full of people that one shared names, changed names, gave names back, refused to change their names… you name it!!! And it was fantastic. I have to respect that it just isn’t the case these days and that I am the one that has to figure out my place and how I handle it and mainly how I let it affect me. . There’s no worse feeling than sitting around thinking that everyone would rather be somewhere else .. it’s heartbreaking and it sucks and I know a lot of that is my own insecurities but .. it’s facts and only I could do something about it.. and that was to Get Over It.. things have changed, they will never be the way they were and you can’t be mad at one person for that.. it’s life. Soooo… with that being said.. this is where I live, this is my life and I am content with it for now. My relationship with my kids dad will never be the same, the Christmas’s with the whole crew will never happen again and mainly EVERYONE is not ME. I have struggled with that so much.. but I have to let it go. I was left out of a very important and milestone celebration of Sheldon’s a while back… I mean I def couldn’t be there, I’m in Kentucky but I could have facetimed in or been on the phone or hell even been told what was going on but I wasn’t. A lot went through my mind, my feelings, my emotions, how I was going to handle it.. all of it.. but I had to go back to that damn fact that everyone is not me, although I would have never left anyone out, I would have done whatever to include them.. that just wasn’t the case and I had to let it go .. like many many things… it is what it is and If I hold on to these things and what I did and what they don’t.. etc, I’ll be drunk before I could even pick up the phone and dial.. that’s the power of this disease, it’s waiting on me to let my guard down to get vulnerable and not get over something that I can’t control.. to try to speak my mind and plead my case.. I did none of that, I simply moved on. The past and the memories and the comparisons will get you every time. I came across a picture the other day that Chase took, it was of his mom Tonja, Chris and me, we were all sitting on one couch together at Chris’s mom’s house for one of the holiday’.. Chris was in the middle for whatever reason and Chase posted it on FB and it said… Here’s something you don’t see everyday!!! We worked hard for that.. I gave my all for that, but again now not everyone is ME and I have finally accepted that. I don’t want to drink again, especially over some nonsense I can’t change or control so I move on… I switch gears and see who else in this parking lot isn’t living up to my standards!!!
As far as my house and surroundings go.. my kids can love it or not, It is what it is and I’m doing my very best these days and I am secure enough in being their momma again that I don’t care what I have to give them materially. I am 100% grateful every single day that their dad is an amazing dad to them and takes complete care of them and always will. I just have to accept that he’s not the ex-husband and willing co-parenter that I wanted him to be.. but that’s on me, he surely has no obligation what so ever to consider me.. He is not ME… and that’s OK and I damn sure can’t expect his wife to be who I was either.. she has that right.. she is not ME. I think I was consumed with what was and wanted them to consider me the same for so long that … I just had to finally let it go. I never made this known or said much to anyone… it was just in my head daily, just like a million other things that I have no control over that I have to release or I’ll drink. I told you all of this was going to be hard to follow. I’ve been in overdrive sorting all of this out over and over and over.. worrying about who I was going to piss off, who’s feelings I was going hurt, who am I going to offend.. well, they’ll get over it just like I do.. I’m not bothered by it anymore. NAMASTE Bitches~
Every single thing in life right now has a new dynamic.. my family dynamic is very different but in a good way. We just have my mom now, my dad and my stepdad have passed away, they’re in heaven TOGETHER like we always were living it up like they always did TOGETHER .. laughing at my mom for having to deal with all of us on her own. That lady is a saint to say the least. a crazy one but a saint. Selling the family home, already building another home, my brother and sister in law are beyond words, I’m so grateful they are home in Texas with her since I can’t be.. not that we would love each other’s company all the time but.. the mere fact of being there. I feel guilt with that, I should be home, If i didn’t have all this and that happen I would be..blah blah blah.. Thing is .. the old me would have packed up and went right back to Mom’s , with no plan, no job, no where to live, I would have jumped on an excuse but I’m not that person anymore.. I will go back when I can afford and plan properly. That’s that. I mean If I was going to hit my mom up for money it’s going to be to get these 1999 boobs redone.. .. I’m wanting a whole new identity at this point when it comes to them.. and it’s a lil more than I have saved for the boob fund! LOL.. it would be comical to even hear Sally’s response to that! I’ll let that go too.. Easter and Sheldon’s birthday at home was amazing… first time I’ve been home for Sheldon’s bday in 3 years.. I don’t think anyone, even her or the other kids when I miss their birthdays realize how hard that is for me. I don’t express it but it’s def a process that I have to work through.. that’s what we do, work through these emotions and don’t let them stick… being an alcoholic in recovery is fucking exhausting at times. One little problem and it takes 12 steps to figure it out.. but it works… it’s my life. That few days home was so fun, and so much family and so many activities.. so many activities.. and bonding and memories and it was just simply the best time I’ve had with everyone in years.. when I had enough of the crowd and the crazy.. I excused myself to fish off the pier with my nephew.. to go take amazing pictures of the sunset .. things I would have never done had I been drinking.. and that’s how I find my gratitude .. those little things I would have never been able to do.. sunsets and fishing with Kolby. I was having a conversation with one of our really good friends before I got home.. we were making the plans for Easter.. those damn activities and everything else and.. they have been apart of our lives for years and years and Easter is a must for all of us.. well i had made the comment more than once I think.. how I wasn’t there for that Easter and I wasn’t there when they did this or that .. and she just said.. well you are back now and that’s all that matters… GRATITUDE.. you have to stop and listen and notice it.. she’s right.. had i kept drinking I wouldn’t be back.. I’d be dead. Another good friend made note to my .. HONEST, Bluntness, keeping it real and honest.. these are little miracles without even recognizing it.. I’ve helped him through some tough times, given advise, been VERY blunt and honest and direct.. remember being direct doesn’t mean I’m a bitch.. it means i communicate well… well he was telling my mom about one of my responses to his dilemma… and he said.. ” I sat there looking at my phone and what she had sent me and I said to myself… this bitch is sober, she knows 100% what she is saying.. she means it and she isn’t sorry for saying it.. and he said.. and I listened. GRATITUDE… I helped him more than I knew because I use what I have learned and know from recovery. I know all of this may be boring to some and some fell off after the first sentence but it’s the day in the mind of an alcoholic in recovery.. it’s exhausting, it’s work, it’s emotional, it’s attached to more feelings than you can even count every single day but it keeps me alive. The biggest comeback is making yourself happy again.. Another huge thing I struggle with is relationships.. you know that saying I’ve used a time or two.. Just because I’m direct doesn’t make me a bitch… it means I communicate well. Relationships are challenging in sobriety.. not just challenging.. down right ridiculous at times. There’s nothing like a come back story that attracts people… some genuine, some not. I wish that I had the patience or the desire to sift through these … but I just don’t. Literally at some points through this whole recovery process I was ONE HUNDRED percent sure and fine that I would be alone forever and I was fine with that.. compared to the BS that has come my way.. alone was much more desirable. I mean at the end of the day who really wants to be alone?? I think the biggest mistake we make is wanting something familiar… everything else in our lives have been taken, lost, changed, destroyed.. all of it and we look for something familiar at times .. because it’s easy.. and nothing else is easy.. but that’s not logical at all .. I mean who wants to have to make sure you look good all the time, things are in shape all the time, have a savings account for boobs!! I’m serious.. this is what initially goes through our minds as alcoholics, especially my age that is starting over. We can’t have a drink before that first date to calm our nerves, we don’t drink ourselves in to not caring who we sleep with and not caring what we look like because we’re drunk I am really ridiculous sometimes about it but I’m just being honest… so I had to change this around to making it about me and my self care and my health and how I feel and look on the inside and out.,, I was so so very vain before.. not only about myself but towards others, it’s horrible when I think about it. When I got on my health journey and made it about me and not about what someone else thought.. I have never been so motivated and dedicated and sure and love how I feel and by just caring about yourself for you. Social media is a beast, it’s a beast for normal people and more of one for us not normal people. I can spot bullshit a mile away and I have a very low tolerance for everything .. thing is I’m finally happy with being with ME.. for the first time in a really really really long time and It’s hard to compete with that.. I’ve learned to be genuine, honest and real and I won’t accept any less.. I don’t have to. If this wasn’t so long already I would tell some of my horror stories in dating but I’ll save it for another time.. I just want this to be about being real and how important honesty is in keeping me sober. I have surprised even myself with my strength with everyone of these obstacles that I have hit, and continue to hit. I handle it well .. but it would be nice to have someone help me carry it some of the time. It’s going to be another whole new process for me but I’m finally at the point that I am willing to do it.. and that’s huge for me.
I’m close to the end.. promise. I sit here just today.. changing the light bulbs out of the light fixtures in the ceiling in the kitchen… I am so proud and patting myself on the back constantly of all these things I don’t need anyone else to do.. it almost becomes obsessive.. I know it’s crazy but we alcoholics have obsessive and addictive behaviors in all areas of our lives so we have to be willing to notice these things.. hence the parking lot.. anyway I dropped one of the screws to the light cover and had to put everything down and find the screw… fixing it and moving on.. then the washer is draining really slow.. clothes are soaked.. I googled a few things .. shut the door.. started it all over and it was fine. Walking away proud of myself once again… then I sense that I have a mouse in my house.. I think I heard it last night in the middle of the night and I swear i was up half the night scared to death it was going to get in my bed.. I am deathly frightened of mice and alligators.. yes, one extreme to the other but it is what it is.. a damn mice will make me move and relocate my life.. i promise, even if I’m the parking lot police here so.. I got those sticky traps that you put out and they stick on.. i stuck one under my bed and put pillows all around the bed so my dog couldn’t go under there, which he loves to do and tear shit up under there and also so that thing couldn’t get out and hopefully stick to the trap so.. I swear i heard it last night and i was convinced it was stuck and i would get it out this morning. I removed the pillows around the bed and it took everything I had to look.. and no.. no mouse.. in the meantime my mom called and we were on the phone, a few seconds later RIP is under the bed.. his ass and his back leg are stuck on the sticky trap.. tail and all. I grab him and hang up on my mom and get him in the tub trying to remove this thing.. man those things do not play.. I bet they could hold a car in place! I finally got it off, cut what I could out of his hair and put oil in the rest of it.. needless to say, his tail is still sticking to everything he hits it with… i went and got new traps, still convinced there is something under there.. it was a whole fiasco this morning, with that being said.. I would def let a man catch the mouse so I don’t have to move.
My job is amazing and rewarding and I love it.. I am 100% sure that God put me here because it’s where I belong.. He gave me that strength to have that last dance with the devil and dance his ass off the dance floor… he gave me the strength to forgive myself, the hardest thing of all and he gave me the strength to be able to work those 12 steps in my head on every single decision I have to make these days and everyday forward to stay sober. To be able to share my story to help others. It’s the honesty and raw emotion and sharing the depths of my soul as to what I did and what I went through and what I have done to be able to share all this with y’all. If you haven’t read these blogs from the beginning.. you should.. I have several, keep scrolling down to the first one if you will and you will see the depths of hell this disease will take you through… the hell that most can’t overcome..
I know I don’t have to say this but I am anyway, if anything i write or share hurts or offends my kids in anyway, I will never write another word. I am definitely not perfect.. so far from it but I’m trying… I in no way mean any of my stories or circumstances in any ill or negative way to any of the parents, it’s just sharing the struggles of living this life and I am sure I’m not the only one out there that has the same things going on.. it’s life.. figure it out and move on. My kids are very blessed to have all of us as parents and I couldn’t be more grateful how they all stepped in when I couldn’t. My kids have been through enough, they had to watch their mom/bonus mom turn into someone they didn’t even know, that in it’s self is devastating,,, families have devastating circumstances at times, it’s how you handle it that matters the most.
We hear alot about what Addiction/Alcoholism does TO a family
We need to hear more about what Recovery does FOR a family ~
7 Types of Negativity to KILL: Perfectionism, Judgement over yourself and others, self-doubt, assuming the worst will happen, worry, complaining, trying to control everything!
I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO to kill these.. and I don’t mind doing it
Till Next Time ~ Namaste Bitches