A vicious cycle….

There are some days that I feel like I am back to the beginning of my sobriety… with that being said, it’s not about me drinking again, it’s about the flood of memories and regret and GUILT that comes back in from time to time. Social media as we all know can be a double edged sword. At times I love it because it keeps me so connected to my family and friends back home and then some days It can make you sad and mad and lonely and a whole host of emotions!

One of the biggest turning points for me in my life was when my kids got older and I felt like I wasn’t needed as much, I know how this sounds… our kids always need us no matter what age they are but to me not being there and involved in everything was hard for me to let go of. I learned A LOT about this through my journey of getting sober. One of the biggest most relevant things that stood out and I found out about myself was that I had this deep yearning to help and guide and be involved as I always was with my kids until the alcohol took over. Alcohol is the devil in disguise when it comes to emotions.. it literally came in and took the place of everything I was missing.. my kids, my house, my life before, friends, companionship, relationships… let me tell you, my friend alcohol made me think he was better than all of that I just listed, he would get me through it all, it’s like the alcohol like I said, the devil in disguise, just as some real people that I’m sure we’ve all come in contact with at some point in our lives. But let me tell you, alcohol is a better manipulator than anything you can ever experience. I’ve never had a relationship with anyone or anything that took my side and made me feel better and agreed with every single thing i did than ALCOHOL.

Alcohol is not my friend and not a choice I can have when I feel like I”m not settled or that GUILT comes sweeping back in or that regret or what all I have lost.. he use to take my hand and lead me far away from everything I felt. I don’t have him on my friends list for a reason… There are days I have to sit down and start from scratch.. find my gratitude, find my purpose, remind myself the walking, living hell that I went through to be able to sit here and type this.. remember what I did to my kids and family. One of the hardest but most rewarding things for me today is to watch my kids live the best lives they have. All three of them are Rock Stars and killin’ everything they set out to do. I mean Sheldon and I still go toe to toe to this day… she is her mamma’s child, we are the same!!~ I couldn’t be more proud of each of them as adults. I mean after all isn’t that was we as parents are supposed to do, equip them with how to take on anything they set their minds to… YES! I still struggle to this day not being in every single aspect of their lives but I have to remember that they are all where they are now because of the impact we made on them. We meaning their parents: dad, mom, stepmom, new stepmom. All of it. I know I bug them at times, send them so many group text … learn what they are doing from social media, being sad and happy at the same time for them and what they get to do. I did a good job considering… and I have to remind myself of that and at the end of the day, I am where I am supposed to be.. When the kids grew up and I felt that real emptiness that I so deeply needed…. I ended up here In Kentucky after my walk through hell and I am needed and making an impact on other peoples lives now. The vicious cycle will always come and go.. it’s how I stand up and deal with it.. and I will always stand up. I hope and pray that none of you have to experience being away from your family and kids.. it’s hard even on the best of days.. but coming to realization, one of my biggest struggles, and one of many many struggles, of not feeling needed as much with my kids being grown, took me through hell and landed me here to fulfill my passion for helping in a different way, and for that I find the gratitude in each and every good day and not so good day.~

My other blogs are still posted on this page, I had a few people asking about them and once again.. the comments you send me to the blog on my actual BLOG Page, only I can see. Again, I always respect your privacy.

I did not write this but… there are not truer words written! I want to share…

I AM YOUR DISEASE

You know who I am, you call me your friend, Wishes of misery and heartache I send. I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees. I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease. I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul. I’ll become your new master, in total control. I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game till your entire existence is crippled with shame. When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise. Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise. But take you I will, just as you’ve feared. I’ll want only to hurt you , with no mercy spared. If you have your own family, I’ll see it’s destroyed, I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed. I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll Kill if I please, I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease. I’ll bring self-destruction, but still you can’t tell, I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell. I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go and then when I catch you, you won’t even know. I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike, what’s yours becomes mine, cause I take what I like. I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees, I’m your constant companion… I am your disease. If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away, You’ll loose all your hope and forget how to pray. I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare, I’ll reduce you to nothing and won’t even care. So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime, I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time. I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease, I’m that madman inside you.. I am your disease. But today I’m real angry.. you want to know why? I let this treatment center full of Addicts entirely slip by. How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong? One minute I had you… the next you were gone. You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared, when you were alone… wasn’t it I who appeared? When you sold those possessions you knew you would need.. Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed. Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear, you escaped with your lives when you found your way here. Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat.. It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat. Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose, but I’m not giving up because I can’t stand to lose. So stand in your groups and support hand in hand. Better choices will save you.. leaving me to be damned. Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week, be damned inner strength, however unique. Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches, be damned every addict, who back to me strays. For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before, those who love misery will crawl back for more. SO take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here but next time around, you’d just better beware. You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time, there isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb. Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing, I’ll knock you silly if you step back in my ring. But you say you’ve surrendered , so what can I do? It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you. Creating your nightmare for me was a dream, I’m sure gonna miss you .. we made quite a team. So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you, I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do. I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please, I won’t let you forget me.. I am your disease.

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2 thoughts on “A vicious cycle….

  1. I feel ya…I was totally caught off guard by the sad and empty feelings i had as the kids got older. For me it started when they got their drivers license and own cars so didn’t need me getting them to/from extracurriculars! I never realized how valuable all those trips were! 😦

    I’m sooo glad you’ve found all kinds of good stuff to feel the void. Like you said, right now you’re exactly where you’re meant to be! Stay strong girlie–you have lots of people rooting for you!

    xoxo
    Dana

    Like

    1. Thank You so much! It’s a whole lot harder than I ever thought! And you are so right, those car trips we didn’t want to make at times were some of the best conversations and times for all of us. I’m doing my best.. I really enjoy doing what I’m doing.. it’s not really like a job, it’s like a gift!! Thank You again!

      Like

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