I want to start off by saying that I am grateful and proud of the ones of you that have emailed me or messaged me personally about family, friends, questions, etc. And I know some concerns have been about confidentiality… not wanting it out there that someone is seeking help… this is 100% understandable, every single piece of information I get is 100% confidential and respected. I am here to help, not judge, addiction does NOT discriminate. With this being said, I hope it opens doors for others to bring awareness and seek help for others.
A lot going on in my head about this subject so … I hope you can follow 🙂
I’ve had numerous people email me or message me regarding my previous blogs asking me what caused this? Meaning what turned me into an alcoholic.. that’s how I take the question. Asking … why me, why their family member, why? I wish I had an exact answer, a great explanation that would make you feel better about why this happens, or pin point one certain thing to blame it on so you could have an understanding.. but unfortunately I do not have an answer for anyone other than myself. Yes, you can research it, go to Dr.’s, therapist, etc. and there are studies on it, thousands, with thousands of different reasons why, neurons in the brain, just google it, you’ll see why you’ll never get a satisfying answer as to why??? The answer that is satisfying to me is… I wasn’t happy with me, happy with being me, self destruction, self-esteem, perceptions, plain and simple, not loving myself although it wasn’t apparent on the outside, but it was inside.. that’s what satisfies me as a reason because that’s how I felt. It’s not an easy thing to come to terms with especially when the rest of the world sees a whole diff person on the outside than I knew on the inside. It just became to much to keep in.. I began to unravel. Lie after Lie I told to keep that outside perception of me still going in everyone else’s eyes, always being that strong person with control of it all, but inside feeling like a battered, sad child that nothing made me feel good. Loving the perception that everyone had of me… a lucky woman to have most of what life offered, a mother, a step mother, a career woman, a mom in the stands, pretty, smart, energetic, the host with the most… these are things I heard about myself all the time, but I felt none of them… for a long time. I didn’t always feel this way.. but something happened, something changed, drastically.. still can’t say exactly what.
I’ve had many many struggles in life, but I call them good struggles.. nothing came real easy but the strength I have today is because of those circumstances. I married young, 21 years old to a man with two children, I became a mother immediately, the struggles of being a stepmom were worth and are worth every single second, but there were struggles as one can imagine or have experienced themselves. There is the ex-wife that comes along with small children, god love her like my sister now and have for many many years but it wasn’t easy at first. The marriage was hard work from the get go and for that I have great strength, I made it look so easy as one friend told me, that I was meant to be a stepparent and do the things that I was given.. and I did them all with my whole heart and loved and still love every second of being those boys’ bonus mom and having their mom as my friend and her and their dad allowing me to be in their lives in a huge way. So.. this is not complaining, it’s just showing it was challenging. Everyone saw me doing an amazing job while I was a lot of the time doubting myself on the inside. Pregnancy is supposed to be the most exciting and grateful and amazing time in your life… mine wasn’t, I had 2 miscarriages, had a tubal pregnancy which required an emergency surgery while in Taos New Mexico on vacation, a DNC, and a fetus that I delivered in the dr.s office that he took and threw in a trash can right in front of me. My 3rd pregnancy was a success but so nerve racking and scared and paranoid the entire time something was going to happen to this baby too.. I ended up in labor with her for 21 hours just to end up having an emergency c-section because her circulation was cut off. Such an amazing blessing and joy but on the inside I was blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong to lose and go through all those other unsuccessful pregnancies. I just kept going.. I had this great miracle of a family now.
I’ve lost grandparents, parents, friends, my beloved animals… things everyone else in the world loses as well… I went through the divorce of my parents, just as numerous others in the world have, went through my own divorce as numerous others have.. I have had good relationships and bad relationships, just as numerous others have. I gained strength with every one of those loses and devastation’s in my life, I just wasn’t realizing it at the time that I was going to need the strength I had gained to save my own life. I have no major ah ha moment or tragedy or big trauma in my childhood.. it was something within me that I could not deal with, a demon stronger than any other.. that tried to take me down, and still rears his ugly head at times but because of some of the things I have been through .. that i did not notice were strength builders at the time, and because of how i fought through those struggles .. gave me all the strength I have now in order to fight the biggest demon of all… alcoholism. The biggest traumas and devastating events came while in active alcoholism, and I will get into details about some of those another time. Active alcoholism is where the demon is doing push ups waiting on your ass every second of the day. This is where that strength pays off.. you have to have it or you won’t make it. Facts!
Hell even after all the things I’ve listed above, I still can’t give a definite why!! So to those family members or those of you that have reached out personally .. you don’t really have to know why.. that’s not going to make it better… it’s what you do with what you’ve been dealt.. that’s the key.
I have this one lyric to a song that I love… i use it as a smart ass comeback at times, or a good quote for the day.. however I may be feeling at the time 🙂
“You can’t deal me the aces and think I wouldn’t play!” I was definitely not dealt the aces in this game of life… but I’m damn sure going to play like I was.. I can promise you that!! If you want a better life, you’ll get it, If you want to beat this horrible disease, you will. If you want help, you’ll reach out, and if I can, I’ll help. Why won’t make it go away.
I can read back through this and think of another million things that could be the WHY? Why doesn’t matter when you’re in a live or die situation.. I want to live and I am finally happy with me Inside and Out and there is no better feeling!
- a little side note if I may… explaining my struggles as far as my marriage and step parenting goes, I am in no way complaining about any single part of it, I’m just pointing out the struggles that go along with it which gave me the strength I have today. I wouldn’t change any of that for the world, I love and adore my stepsons like my own and would never want this to be offensive to them, their dad or their mom. This is my story, my struggle, my feelings and my demons, not theirs in anyway. They are my heart and I am grateful for the relationships that I have with all of them til this very day. They all prayed for me and wanted the best for me when they had every reason not to at times.