This has been a very busy, draining and emotional month to say the least but.. I was able to be with my family at the most important time and for that I am very grateful. I can’t even imagine what a disaster this time would had been had I not been sober! (Well, yes I can imagine, I know all to well how bad things would have been for me and especially my family.
Sitting on the plane on my way home Sunday, I started thinking about how many times I’ve flown back and forth from Kentucky to Texas to visit, then I started thinking about how fortunate I was to be able to stay with family in Texas and also have a home to return to in Kentucky… this leading me into thinking about all the horrible unimaginable places that I stayed, passed out, slept, hid, all of the above while I was in my active alcoholism. The behind the scenes as I call them, the places that nobody really know of, the places nobody can really imagine and the places I can’t believe that I stayed. When you think about someone who is an alcoholic or an addict and they come from a nice family with lots of love and nice things… you may think that I just sat around and drank and lived off of everyone and surrounded myself with nice things.. this is very far from the reality so I want to tell you a little bit about it and give other families with similar situations just what might be going on.
When I started out drinking heavily, to where I noticed a problem, I had the house, all the things. I had already lost a great job due to my issues but was lying to my family about having other “part-time” jobs etc. because I didn’t want them to know how bad things really were (In all reality I couldn’t even get a job at a dollar store.) I would get up in the mornings and get dressed so my daughter would think I was going to work, along with my mom and whomever was keeping tabs on me… I would more times than not, go to the public library, a place where I was almost 100% sure I wouldn’t know anyone, damn sure knew my family wouldn’t be there. I would either drink and then sleep in my truck or go on in with a cup in hand and use the computer, etc. then go back out to hang out. I didn’t have much money at the time so I was limited to where I could go, the library was free! After all… I had a fake job so!! One day I was really sick from not having any alcohol, my body was already addicted to it so I had to have at least some in my system or I would feel unimaginably horrible… I didn’t have enough money to buy anything and I literally thought i was going to die so .. I went into a grocery store and I took a Smirnoff straight off the shelf, opened it and drank it right in the store.. well, I got caught, the police were called and I was able to get out of it by finding the money to pay for the alcohol… here’s the horrible part… my daughter had to bring me the money… a whopping $5! Wouldn’t you think this would be enough to wake someone up??? Well.. NO.. this was just the beginning. I ended up in my first 10 day detox/treatment facility shortly after this incident.. I stayed 7 days and drank the night I got out.
I sold my house and bought a new town home, doing big things with no job right?? Well this gave me a little extra money to live on so.. boy did I live alright, after I sold or gave away absolutely everything out of my family home and bought all new for this house.. I spent just about every extra penny I had on alcohol and doing whatever I wanted and not listening to anyone.. Had this new beautiful home that was all mine and Sheldon’s and was still miserable on the inside and hating everything in and around me.. drinking was my thing and that’s all that really mattered. I did try at times to live somewhat normal, cook for Sheldon, do things to some extent, go out, etc but that was all short lived. I took more alcohol than anyone can imagine from peoples homes that I stayed at, I ended up in peoples homes that I barely knew but.. I knew they had alcohol so that was good enough for me.. and I always went home with some. Sheldon soon moved out of our new home and in with her dad because it just got that bad at home. I’m sure I’m going to jumble the time line all up during this time because their was just so much… that dreadful pedal party I spoke of in my last blog was during this time, I attended a 30 day rehab in Houston during this time also.. a state ran facility that was scarier than jail.. one night I had to take a cab to the ER from this facility because everything on me was swollen, my feet and hands so swollen I couldn’t bend them… sat at Ben Taub ER for 6 hours for nothing basically and then sitting on the curb at midnight outside of the hospital waiting for another cab to pick me up and take me back… How did I go from where I was in life to sitting on a curb at midnight waiting on a cab while I could barely walk… after my 30 days there.. back home I went, I totaled my truck within 2 days of leaving treatment and went to jail for the first time at 45 years old.. how much worse could it get.. a lot! I had no vehicle for a while.. I didn’t carry full coverage on my truck so it was just GONE.. i spent all the money I had on alcohol and whatever so.. here I was. My stepdad ended up buying me a used car.. i didn’t really care what kind it was as long as it could get me to the store or liquor store, I would call people while I was stuck at home begging them to take me to the store.. I didn’t care who it was.. it was that bad. I would scrape up or save any amount of money that I could to buy alcohol. The 2 liquor stores that were close to me were where I would trade off and go.. thinking I was fooling the people who worked there.. all the while I would be waiting on them to open so I could get vodka in my system ASAP.. that’s what worked the quickest for me, took the shakes, anxiety, the wanting to die feeling off of me the quickest. Most of these times it would take everything I had just to keep it down so my body could feel it.. I didn’t love the taste, I needed it, vomiting and all, I would force it down just to feel OK. This became my norm real quick. I would spend days inside that townhouse drinking, go without eating almost a week at a time because I couldn’t and I wasn’t about to waste my money on food. As things got worse .. i just didn’t feel like I wanted to live anymore.. i wanted to sit and drink and die basically.. I had zero in me, my kids couldn’t even make me feel better and I was so selfish that I didn’t even care what it might do to them and my family If I were to die. One horrible night in this house alone with all my wine… I wrote separate notes to family members and the ones I loved.. this was it for me. I owned a pistol at the time… I had my wine, the gun and the notes all in my bed with me.. I put the gun to my head, pressed my left side of my head up to the headboard while holding the gun with my right hand to my head and that was going to be it, the most coward, horrible, selfish way to go.. but I couldn’t do it.. even I wasn’t as hard and tough as I told myself I was. I woke up the next day with all of it in the bed with me.. sadly I wasn’t relieved that I didn’t do it, I just thought, maybe next time I will. I hid the notes and the gun in between my mattresses and went on to more drinking. Sadly again… my daughter suffered… while I was off to my 30day rehab stint.. she and her dad went to my house because they were worried I might hurt myself when I got home … he knew just where to look, expecting to find the gun, they had to see and read the notes that I had written to her and other family telling them goodbye.. my daughter had to read suicide notes from her mom. She’s such an incredible young lady.. she stuck by me even after that. Drinking again after treatment and going to jail again and all kinds of other bs… my family found The Liberty Ranch in Kentucky and presented it to me.. things were bad enough that I thought I should go.. I sold my townhouse to be able to afford treatment… I had no Job and no insurance so.. here we go. I went to treatment to please everyone else again… I didn’t really want to get better, so I didn’t. 4 months in Kentucky… back to Texas.
I moved straight in with my Mom and Pogee, after all I had sold my house and my stepdad sold the used car that he had bought me so I had nothing but a bank account full of money! Plan was to buy a new house, get a job, get a car, have a new life. Well. I didn’t want that.. I started drinking immediately again.. during this time living at my mom’s I had to escape and hide to get away to do what I wanted to.. and that was drink.. I spent many nights at Hotels in Baytown, saying I was with friends or whomever (I didn’t have any friends really) they all thought I was sober so I sure wasn’t going around them and not be able to drink. I wasted I don’t even know how much money hiding out, I would hop around a night here and there at diff places. One night, I went to see a friend, I quickly wore out my welcome with him because I was just hateful and mean and was 9 times out of 10 sent on my way to make someone else miserable so.. I went to the Motel 6 in Baytown, knowing for sure I would never see anyone I know there.. I was hungry and I ordered Pizza from a local place in town.. I placed my order.. gave them my name and the address and room number to the hotel.. no big deal, all done. A few minutes later my cell phone rings and it’s a lady on the phone and she says “Sheila, what are you doing at Motel 6?”.. I know the woman that owns the pizza place… good lord, really?? It never crossed my mind she would be there and hear my name … I made up a quick lie as to why I was there.. like remodeling my home and I couldn’t stay there ( I didn’t even own a home at the time) and chatted for a minute and hung up… small town living at it’s finest! As if that wasn’t enough.. the little delivery guy, cute little thing comes to my room, I open the door and he says.. aren’t you Sheldon’s mom??? Well yes.. yes I am .. here’s you a nice little tip now go away! Bad night! During this time I bought a brand new car.. just went to the Ford dealership.. saw a nice Mustang I wanted and said.. I’ll take that one.. wrote them a check and went on my way. I left the rental car I was driving at the dealership for them to return for me… I opened the trunk right in front of the salesman, got the wine out of that trunk, put it in my nice new car and went on my way… Shortly after this.. i was asked to leave my mom’s home.. i mean it had been a good month or so that I was hotel hoping and buying dogs for everyone who wanted one… a new baby German shepherd.. beautiful baby girl.. drove miles and miles to get her, paid $800 for her, showed up at my brother’s house around 8, closer to 9pm, a week night, a work night, a school night, and said here.. I know you’ve always wanted one of these.. Merry Christmas.. and went on my way. Drove miles and miles in a diff direction to buy Sheldon a baby Yorkie.. $900 later on that one.. I had to battle my ex husband over it.. he’s not an animal fan, Sheldon’s boyfriend was not too happy about it either.. it was all a complete mess.. but I didn’t care, I love dogs and I wanted everyone to have one. (On a side note, both dogs are very very loved by all family members and are part of the family) I knew it would be fine… 🙂 🙂 I moved into an apartment in Baytown after my parents told me Bye Bye.. a very nice apartment, I was going to do big things there.. meet people, etc. yea yea, I stayed drunk the entire time, hid from family, hid my car and lost it for a day or two.. the car was towed because someone didn’t like that i parked in their reserved parking spot.. you know.. typical day right? NO.. I never even put sheets on my bed the whole time I lived there.. it was a mess. I had the 7 day hospital stay during this time.. 3 times in detox and several trips to the ER. One time I thought my brother was coming over to make me do something that I didn’t want to do so I ran and hid in the dog park in the complex and fell asleep there.. yep for hours.. I mean who does that? Me apparently. I even hopped the fence one night at my townhouse and spent half the night laying on the right of way so no one would come to my house and make me stop drinking. I always thought I was doing something great.. all the while sleeping in the most insane places.. complete insanity. All of this was behind the scenes.. I didn’t tell people after these incidents had happened, oh by the way, I slept in the dog park last night… hopped a fence at 1am sleeping in a field basically… mud from head to toe when i woke up.. like I had wrestled someone and went to sleep. God’s hands.. that’s the only way I’m alive.. he kept me here to share these things with the ones who need to hear them, for the ones who can share them with people that need to hear them.. to know you can recover… this and the other 2 blogs that I have written are still a very little part of my story.. there is information in each of these blogs that my family members are finding out for the first time.. things I’ve gone through and done that friends couldn’t even imagine.. and I’m just getting started.. when I tell you that there is hope, that there is help, there is, you just have to want it. It’s the hardest.. and I mean damn hardest thing I’ve ever done but also the most rewarding.. especially being able to help others because I went through it.. I’m a different person now, some the same but.. I look at life totally different. I have hard days.. I’m not going to lie, It’s work everyday.. but that work becomes a passion, a passion I didn’t think I could ever have in me again.. a passion for helping others.
I’ve rambled enough tonight! Please feel free to share this with anyone you think it might help. Also.. contact me anytime if you or a family member or a loved one is suffering.
Until next time…