There is so much that goes on in my head, so many things that have happened, so much to process daily. I decided to do this blog, to not only show me WINNING in recovery but the long, crazy journey that got me here. My story is not a secret, I have talked about it, posted about it on social media, all the things WINNING. (this word “winning” will get repetitive and distracting along the way, you will see.) Well, get ready because some of the things I’ve done, seen, experienced, made it through, still struggle with … are things that run through my head everyday, and that’s just how this blog is going to go, not planned, not pre-written, just straight out of my head. I hope you can keep up…. I get behind myself all the time. If you have a problem with the punctuation, the spelling, the run on sentences, so be it, it’s how my mind runs! Being energetic and an over thinker and going 100mph daily is a huge problem of mine that I minimized with alcohol. It is part of my story.
Let me tell you a little about me.. I am 48 years old, a mother of 1 daughter and 2 stepsons and 2 granddaughters. Home state of Texas, now living in Kentucky, yes Kentucky. The Horse Capital of the world, Moonshiners and Bourbon Distilleries, what? Yes, double edged sword because I love both, the whiskey and the horses! There are so many ironies going on here… you will soon hear about them. It’s part of my story.
These blogs are going to contain some of the following topics, conversations, thoughts, experiences, all of it. How I went from a mom and housewife with a thriving career to an alcoholic in rehab. Many rehabs, not just the one that I praise for saving my life, or the one that I am employed with, but ones that only the strong survive, state run facilities because I had no insurance and was unemployed, where the police showed up nightly and the fire department twice because someone set the laundry room on fire. Short term detoxes at Ben Taub Hospital in Houston on the psych floor where they would substitute my alcohol consumption for pills to sedate my over energized ass. I escaped from that psych floor on one of my stays there, only to be tackled in the parking lot by 2 big security guards then to be strapped down to a gurney in the very well-known Ben Taub Emergency Center…. waking up to my mother standing over me. Boy there is so much to this day!!! A 10 day detox that i only stayed for 7 days, I was very convincing that I was “healed”, $4500 later, I drank the day I left. I drank on the way to detoxes, I drank at them, I drank after them for years. I missed 5 flights headed to Kentucky the 2nd time, damn them for dropping me off at the airport and expecting me to get on a plane back to treatment, In Kentucky, where I did not want to go. I made many friends that day in the Houston Intercontinental Airport lost my phone, sent my family and friends into a frenzy and had the best time bar hopping. My many many hospital stays, 4 times in 45 days at the beginning of 2018, one due to an alcohol induced seizure that I had in my parents kitchen, mom frantically calling 911, landing me in ICU for 3 days and 4 more days in the hospital where I don’t remember much at all except eating macaroni & cheese and watching family feud. Although I was in San Jac Hospital in Baytown, I had very little visitors, everyone rightfully so was sick of my ass. But none of that stopped me.. that airport stint was after this hospital stay, and you will hear much more. It’s all part of my story.
Being divorced and single after a 20 year marriage failed. Not all because of the alcohol but it sure didn’t help. Being a stepmom to my 2 wonderful sons after getting divorced from their dad, being a mom to a very strong, brave daughter that went through the living hell every step of the way with me. The Original ex-wife, Me, the new wife and stepmom, the dynamic, the tension, every feeling imaginable.. how was I going to manage the guilt? How was I going to make it up to everyone? How was our family dynamic going to be now? We were all so very close for so long. This is another great topic that I hope will help divided families, families with devastating circumstances, how to manage and make it??? How did we build what we had and where is it now? It’s so much and so real. Having a relationship while I was still married, after I was divorced, during and yes after sobriety. Why? Why did we keep letting it happen? This subject is real and raw and has every emotion available attached to it. But… in hindsight, after what I went through I was able to help someone dear to him because of what I went through. That’s what I do and LOVE! Wrecked friendships, wrecked cars, wrecked lives, hurting, being hurt, the chaos, the what I thought was normal to what the actual hell is happening? How forgiving people can be with changed behavior. The best thing I’ve learned is…. The best apology is changed behavior. It’s part of my story.
A very sick parent at home who helped me stay alive through all the madness! Family who would not let me die even when I wanted to.. How SICK I had my family, they were as sick as me but just in a different way. Dropping wine off to me through my gate at my apartment so I wouldn’t drive drunk to get more, my mom digging wine out from under her bed when i would show up in one of my frenzies, hiding my car, tons of things. They finally got the help they needed…. and cut me off. It is deep and it is sad and it is part of my story.
Going from having everything anyone could imagine, the nice homes, the cars, all the things. Then to living in a treatment facility with 26 other women, to move to an apartment with a roommate, where having your own room was like winning the lottery. All the while the rest of the world is keeping up with the Jones’s around you. Talk about eating the humble pie!! But learning to be so grateful for the little bitty miracles in your life… such as your own damn bedroom. Stopping and thinking about how my way of thinking was insane to say the least but I was still able to keep a good perspective on being grateful and how my kids were so very well taken care of and if I had never went through what I went through, they may not actually have some of the things they have now and are able to enjoy. If i had stayed on my path, I wouldn’t have been able to provide what they have now from others, and I am grateful for that and what they get to experience and have. If it took me falling off and getting out of the way for a bit for them to have what they have, it was worth it This is the selflessness that I have learned only in sobriety, I was literally one of the most selfish people alive before. I see them happy and thriving and enjoying the finer things in life that I would have never been able to give. One thing treatment and walking hell taught me is to be grateful for being able to see things in a selfless perspective and what you do have and the good that is going on around you. There will be more to this.. a whole lot more, my mind is literally spinning out of control as usual. It’s part of my story.
Dating sober at almost 50, people from your past, new people.. oh man, it’s not easy! Some of my experiences are down right comical… and life changing! How people react when you tell them sure, let’s go out, but I don’t drink… at all. I can’t! You think it doesn’t matter… but it does.. A LOT!
In a divorce, why do women automatically think they deserve more? That they are the only one suitable to be “the parent”.. there are 2 parents, equally, yes some situations are different I know … but why can’t it be fair. On the other hand, situations should be considered… all of them, the past, the present, who contributed what.. it should all be considered. Money isn’t everything… the kids and your lives are. In my case, I knew I would not help my kids properly if i had been handed over a whole shit ton of money, especially in my state of mind.. I knew my kids would benefit more by me leaving most of it in the hands that it was meant to be in. This is a topic that I’m sure will spin some out of control.. but that’s OK, we all think differently and that is OK as well.
Dreams, Reality, what do they mean? Why do we have them?
Times I spend alone, times I want to be social, times I just don’t know. Times I worry about being alone for the rest of my life, times I am okay with that.
The strength it takes to keep going, to want to keep going, to help others like me.
This is a disease, not the person you know and love. That person gets lost but can be found.
Money, making a living, perceptions.
What is happiness? What is a soul mate?
Tips to moving from place to place, house to house, state to state, I have done it so many times and do it all wrong… but i know how to do it right.
Now experiencing being back home at with that sick parent, watching that parent and the other suffer so much during the stages of dying. Being back for this amount of time for the first time, what to do and not to do to your friends or family when someone is dying. MAJOR TIP….. visit your loved ones and friends while they are alive and well, don’t wait to parade through when they are dying. A lot has gone on here… ALOT.
I’m also open to any subjects, experiences, thoughts, questions any of you have. I love to talk and share my experiences, we may not always agree but we all have opinions, you just have to be open to agree to disagree sometimes.
Those beliefs.. expectations of being sober.. the behaviors that people think you aren’t supposed to have now that your sober, the actions, the thoughts…. I’m sober, I’m not dead or ignorant or an alien. I still make mistakes and poor choices.. but I learn from them now instead of destroying everything in my path.
At almost 50 years old… All things have changed!!!